sharing laughter inside and outside the church...

FORREST GUMP GOES TO HEAVEN  

The day finally arrived. Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven. He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself. However, the gates are closed, and Forrest approaches the gatekeeper.

St. Peter said, "Well, Forrest, it is certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must tell you, though, that the place is filling up fast, and we have been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The test is short, but you have to pass it before you can get into Heaven."

Forrest responds, "It sure is good to be here, St. Peter, sir. But nobody ever told me about any entrance exam. I sure hope that the test ain't too hard. Life was a big enough test as it was."

St. Peter continued, "Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions.

First: What two days of the week begin with the letter T?
Second: How many seconds are there in a year?
Third: What is God's first name?"

Forrest leaves to think the questions over. He returns the next day and sees St. Peter, who waves him up, and says, "Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers."

Forrest replied, "Well, the first one -- which two days in the week begins with the letter "T"? Shucks, that one is easy. That would be Today and Tomorrow."

The Saint's eyes opened wide and he exclaimed, "Forrest, that is not what I was thinking, but you do have a point, and I guess I did not specify, so I will give you credit for that answer. How about the next one?" asked St. Peter.

"How many seconds in a year? Now that one is harder," replied Forrest, but I thunk and thunk about that, and I guess the only answer can be twelve."

Astounded, St. Peter said, "Twelve? Twelve? Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?"

Forrest replied, "Shucks, there's got to be twelve: January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd... "

"Hold it," interrupts St. Peter. "I see where you are going with this, and I see your point, though that was not quite what I had in mind....but I will have to give you credit for that one, too. Let us go on with the third and final question. Can you tell me God's first name"?

"Sure," Forrest replied, "it's Andy."

"Andy?" exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St Peter.

"Ok, I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you come up with the name Andy as the first name of God?"

"Shucks, that was the easiest one of all," Forrest replied. "I learnt it from the song, "ANDY WALKS WITH ME, ANDY TALKS WITH ME, ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN. . "

St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates, and said: "Run Forrest, run."

Give me a sense of humor, Lord.
Give me the ability to understand a clean joke,
To get some humor out of life.

FOOD for THOUGHT

Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little  bottles of Evian water?
Try spelling it backwards: NAIVE

Do Lipton Tea employees take! coffee breaks?
  
If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that one enjoys it?

There are three religious truths:
  a. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
  b. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith.
  c. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at Hooters.

 As income tax time approaches, did you ever notice:
When you put the two words "The" and "IRS" together it spells "THEIRS"?
  
If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
  
If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
 
Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?
  
Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist,
but a person who drives a racecar is not called a racist?
  
Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?
  
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked,
doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted,
cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked,
and dry cleaners depressed?
  
If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
     
What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
  
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older;
then it dawned on me.....they're cramming for their final exam.
  
I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks,
so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? toothpicks?
    
If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?
    
Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?
  
If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?
  
Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?
  
 

It is with the saddest heart that I must pass on the following news:

Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community. The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.

Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities  turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and  Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours. Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes.

Despite being a little flaky at times he was still a crusty old man and was considered a roll model for millions. Doughboy is survived by his wife , Play Dough, two children, John Dough and Jane Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly dad, Pop Tart.

The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes. If this made you smile for even a brief second, pass this URL on to someone who kneads it.

Gotta Be Quiet!
 
A Sunday school teacher asked the children just before
she dismissed them to go to church, "And why is it
necessary to be quiet in church?"
Annie replied, "Because people are sleeping."

It's Official

The amount of sleep required by the average person is about five minutes more. - Wilson Misner, quoted in Bits & Pieces, Vol. T/No. 17, p. 17.

Now I know why I find it difficult to stay awake through an entire morning service--I don't have enough faith. Seriously, I do find it difficult.

As long as you don't snore, you can bow your head and appear to be in prayer. No one will ever know.

I still say that there's nothing wrong with sleeping in church -- as long as you don't snore and wake up the rest of the congregation.

Perturbed that a man had fallen asleep during his sermon, the pastor called on an usher to wake the man. The usher retorted, "Why should I do that, Pastor? You should wake him up yourself, after all, you put him to sleep."

 Top 10 best things to say if you get caught sleeping in church:

10. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."

  9. "This is just a 15 minute power-nap"

  8. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on our mission statement"

  7. "This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!"

  6. "I was testing the carpet for drool resistance"

  5. "Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out the meaning of life."

  4. "The coffee machine is broke...."

  3. "Well it was the Pastor put me to sleep!"

  2. "Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won't wear off!"

  1. "Amen"

It's Biblical:  "Sleeping is good" -- Ecclesiastes 5:12

listen here!

and it feels so grrreaaaaat!